My whole life I’ve been battling with the extinction of my own identity. Constantly seeking approval from others and searching for self-worth in the shadows. I catch myself looking for answers in all the wrong places. Whether it be being a good boyfriend in a relationship, a good employee in the workplace, or a student in a classroom, the same questions seems to be haunting me: Who are you? Who are you doing this for? The root of the issue lies deeper. Why do I find myself asking these questions in the first place?
Growing up with a twin brother has been one of the best experiences in my life. The best way to explain to those of you who aren’t a twin would be having a built-in best friend with you 24/7. It was a lot of pressure having to be the protector and big little brother when we got dropped off at daycare, reassuring him Mom and Dad were coming back to get us, or me watching a scary movie and sleeping on the floor in his room because he was too afraid to sleep alone. We definitely had our highs and lows, and this bond is everlasting. Nevertheless, as you all know growing up with siblings isn’t always the easiest.
One really big struggle being a twin roots from comparison. When you’re a twin, people tend to think they look alike, dress alike, they must be alike. But for those who know us personally, there are very distinct differences. Ying and Yang would best describe us. Different in every way, but we complement each other very well. When it came to academics, he was always the straight A student while I would scrape by with a C average. Letter grades aside you can see the start pressure put on me starting to build. It wasn’t so much that my grades were lower than his, it was more of the expectation my family would put onto me to live up to his standards. I would tell them that I’m not him. I’m on my own path, but that was never enough. I can remember going to family gatherings feeling like such a stranger because all of the attention was on my brother, and I was left in his shadow.
No matter what I did it was never good enough, and I was constantly reminded of it from everyone around me. Imagine the damage that started to play on my psyche. I was never enough, and I started to believe it. I was losing my individuality. I started feeling worthless, and lonely. No one cared about me when there was a version of me that was doing everything right. The only thing people started to recognize in me was all my faults. It’s a lonely feeling, feeling like such an outcast with no one to understand me or acknowledge me. The only attention I got was the question was “why are you so far behind in school?”, “What’s wrong with your attitude?”, and “You should be more like him.” After hearing this day after day, I started to become angry.
Anger would soon become my best friend. I was able to escape life’s harsh realities. I escaped all the expectations and comparisons. The feeling I would get when I get angry is almost indescribable. It starts with the slow increase in my heart rate. I can feel my body trying to fight it; I can hear the narrative of the angel and demon arguing in my head, fighting for control. Everything around me starts to fade away into a blur. Then, it happens. No longer am I a slave. I’m flushed with adrenaline; my body starts to become hot, followed with a numbness that fills my body all the way to the core. My heart grows cold; I am no longer the same person. Nothing else matters in that moment: Not life, not family, not friends! For that moment in time I’m free. I don’t think, I just act. The anger is short lived. Once I’m able to come out of it, it’s like looking at the aftermath of a tornado that just blew through a city. The damage I cause to my family and friends is sometimes irreversible. The ripple effect I started causing to those who I loved most was heartbreaking. Everyone and everything that meant most to me in life I would push away. I started to feel like more of an outcast and lonelier than I had been before.
Something had to give before I lost everything. That’s when I started working out. The very first memory of the gym I could remember was my mom coming home telling my brother and I that she had bought us a gym membership. My response was “I’m not going.” I didn’t want to work out in front of people, I was self-conscious. Walking into the gym at the beginning I felt like an ant under a microscope with all eyes on me. I was too embarrassed to ask for help and was too stubborn to accept the criticism anyways. I thought I knew it all. Finally, after getting over that fear I would soon realize how therapeutic the gym would be for me. I had found a way to channel my anger into something productive. Also, I gained my sense of identity back that I had lost. Though I had no control of the outside world around me, I had total control of everything inside the gym. A 45-pound plate was always going to be 45 pounds. The consistency and structure helped rebuild my confidence. My accomplishments in the gym didn’t go unseen. You can’t deny hard work. There’s something about lifting heavy weights that was very stress relieving for me. The sense of accomplishment after hitting a new personal record is pure joy! Benching 300 pounds is no team effort, it’s you and only you under the bar. No one can take that away from you.
Let’s create a new world where we can share our stories, struggles and journeys. Everything leading up until this moment in life has built you into the person you are today, the good and the bad. But most importantly the things that people don’t see, don’t know. What goes on behind closed doors is what makes all the difference. A lot of times we don’t realize our struggles and story can help someone else. There’s a world out there scared and alone waiting for you to step out into who you were created to be, so others can have permission. Let’s show the world it’s ok to be afraid, you’re not alone.
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Thanks for sharing.
Yee
Very well said!
Thank you!