Stronger Than Just a Number 1

I am my worst critic. I know that this is something that everyone says about themselves and I know that every person close to me would probably look at what I have accomplished in the past couple years of my life and tell me that thinking negatively about myself is invalid, but the positive words of others sometimes can’t overpower your negative thoughts of yourself. This past spring I graduated from UCSB, I earned an award for my outstanding work in the religious studies department, I was named sorority president of the year, I completed the honors program, and I even got into Law school. So why do I still think that this isn’t enough?

Backtrack to summer of 2019, I was about to begin studying for the LSAT, aka the law school admissions test, aka THE test that would determine if I was going to get to continue my education. I had a killer resume, above average grades, and multiple letters of recommendation from professors that I had worked closely with and could attest to my ability to succeed in an academic setting. So, all that was left was for me to kill the LSAT and I’d be selling my soul to the debt that is law school. Well, by that time I had committed to working a full time summer job in a manager position, as well as continuing to work part time at a gym. The time came to take the test and I was not nearly as ready as I would have needed to be in order to get into the schools I was wanting to go to. I constantly look back and think that the reason I didn’t preform as I would have liked to on that test was due to the amount of hours I was spending working rather than studying. I constantly compare myself to every other person who did get in but had so much more time on their hands and I am thinking, what didn’t I have besides the time to get that score that they were looking for. Why didn’t I push myself harder than I already was. I refuse to let myself make any sort of valid argument for why I couldn’t do as well as I would have liked because I refuse to make excuses for myself. I tell myself I could have done better, I should have done better. I doubt my ability to perform despite the accomplishments that indicate that I can. I let this one score define me as a person.

In the end I get into school. I turn down the offer because I didn’t want to settle. I had higher standards for myself and knew that I could do better. I put all of my eggs in one basket to ride the waitlist at another school for months on end. Every day I think about what I should have done better, or why I am not enough, rather than pat myself on the back for all that I have done and continue to do. Self doubt is something that I struggle with daily, and I cant seem to outrun the feeling that I don’t do enough even though I always pride myself on doing the most.

When I say “I am stronger than just a number”, it’s not something that I believe just yet, but it is a goal that I have set for myself in hopes that I can get to the point where I realize that a number shouldn’t define who I am.